Poetry Map of Scotland: poem no. 398

The ‘conservation nightmare’ of the Ballachulish Goddess

Wit the fuck huv they dun tae ma heid?
I leuk like yon Norwegian wifie wailin oan a pier!
I uised tae be bonnie, wi’ a bit o’ brawn oan ma banes.
Noo I’m jist a rickle o’ banes… aw wizzent!

See yon label – haiverin’ oan aboot me haudin’
some ‘phallic symbol’ in ma haund?
Wit havers! Can theym high-heid-yins no’ see
it’s a spurtle fur ma parritch?

Gif I’d been yon bowsie bugger Odin, or yon
auld bastart Thor (he hud a mooth oan him that wan)
they’d huv ta’en guid care o’ me fur sure!
Wudnae huv let thair tadgers dry oot!

Aw ma bits ur yeukie an’ raw – ah’v been needin’
a guid claw, a guid drouk, a guid shaggin’
fur centuries! Yous look a poustie laddie, ken.
Aye yoo! Dinnae look awa’ – I’ve got ma wee

quartz e’en fixit oan yur braw bahookie
and ma big scrabbilit fingurs’ll be gi’in yoo
an affi guid feel – soon as I bluiter oot this gless.
Whoar ur yous gaun?! I’m needin’ ma hochmagandy!

Char March 

Note: The Ballachulish Goddess was dug up in 1880 on the shore of Loch Leven at Ballachulish, Nether Lochaber from under deep peat. She's been radiocarbon dated to over 2,500 years old. Read more via the National Museum of Scotland (where she’s now displayed): https://www.nms.ac.uk/explore-our-collections/stories/scottish-history-a...

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